It's been a while since I last wrote. I kind of got out of the blogging phase for a while but now it is the summer after my senior year and I don't have a whole lot to do. So I'm going to talk about my life a little bit if you don't mind.
In seventh grade I had everything figured out. I was going to attend Cedarville University, get a degree in accounting, get married, and have three kids (all boys because girls are the worst). Seventh grade Sam was... well... stupid. I created my own American dream then because I thought that that was what you were supposed to do. Get a job. Get a wife. Have kids. Live the normal boring life. And a lot of people do that. But seventh grade Sam was stupid for thinking that the American Dream is what he wanted when in reality, the American Dream is boring. If I dreamed about having a desk job, a wife, and kids, it would be the most boring stressful dream ever. The American Dream is not for me.
Well from my other blog post (if you read them) you know what happened. Made stupid decisions with a girl, the girl attempts suicide, I go into depression. So lets fast forward to Sam before he started dating Brianna, lets call him HS Sam. HS Sam was diagnosed with a depressive disorder even though he knew that it wasn't the case. He had come to terms with the fact that the girl's suicide attempt wasn't his fault. The only thing that made him depressed were the stupid decisions he made with that girl and no matter how many pills you take or what the doctor says, it can't keep you from thinking and HS Sam knew that. So he took the pills for a while, they didn't do anything, and so he was re-diagnosed with general anxiety disorder. This one actually made sense to him and the pills were helping. However that is skipping a bit too far ahead. Before diagnosed with this, HS Sam was generally depressed and inappropriate. Dating seemed stupid. Marriage seemed impossible because love seemed impossible. HS Sam was selfish and perverted. HS Sam wanted to die so he didn't have to face the future. To the point where he seriously considered joining the army. If he lives, then maybe he will have his life figured out. If he dies, at least he did it for his country and now he doesn't have to plan everything. HS Sam was a gloomy Sam and he wasted much of his high school career.
Now lets go to Sam from starting to date Brianna to about a month ago. We will call this Sam, Recent Sam. Recent Sam was happy to be dating Brianna. He experienced the joys of a first kiss, a first date, a first anniversary. He loved spending time with Brianna and she made him very happy. (She still does, just keep in mind we are talking about a past Sam so I use past tense). This Sam knew that he wanted to marry now, specifically Brianna. But he still didn't want to do anything with his life or now what to do with his life. Recent Sam didn't understand why God wouldn't just tell him what He wanted from him so he could just do it. That way Recent Sam would know he is doing the right thing. Recent Sam was constantly stressed about the future, constantly trying to figure it out on his own, and constantly frustrated with God. But now lets take a look at me today, we will call this Sam, just Sam.
In the past month I started reading Proverbs. I saw things like, "the fear of the Lord is the beginning of all wisdom" and "wisdom is supreme, therefor attain wisdom. though it cost me everything, i attain understanding". I realized I can't base college off of Brianna. I have to be willing to give up the closeness and even the relationship if that's what God wants, although I'm fairly certain it isn't. I realized that I wasn't seeking wisdom I was seeking answers. I wasn't seeking God's will because I love Him but just because I wanted answers. So I prayed. I sought His will. I told Him I was willing to give up everything though it was hard to say and hard to be honest about. I realized that I needed to go to Anderson. It is where God wants me. I still think God wants me to marry Brianna. And right now I think He is fine with me graduating in three years so I can be on the same time schedule as Brianna. I have a general idea of what I want to study but I'm trying to be flexible so I can do what God wants rather than what I want. If I could marry Brianna tomorrow I would. But I know I'm not ready and I know God doesn't want me to. So I will wait. And I will see what God's will is. Right now I think it may be working in management and on the field for a Christian organization. Hopefully as a couple with Brianna for teens. But we will see. You never know what could happen when you trust God. You just never know. But you can make that the fun part :)
