In this past week I have come to the unfortunate conclusion that I am a two-sided extremist when it comes to perfectionism. Now whether the phrase “two-sided extremist” is indeed actually phrase, I am not sure. But I do know I am one. Essentially, I strive to be perfect at some things and have completely given up on others.
The reason I have realized this recently is grades at the end of the school year. Going into high school my goal was to never get anything lower than an A. English and Biology soon destroyed that goal by me getting A-‘s . I was extremely disappointed which is quite pitiful if you ask me. Many people would be begging to get A-‘s in school. Soon I got over the A- thing and went into my sophomore year expecting to never get a B of any sort. But Algebra II happened. I got a C on the final and a B+ for the semester. I was furious at myself. But why!? That’s so stupid of me. I can’t be perfect and many people again would be extremely elated to have a B+ in that class. I was disappointed that my GPA dropped too… from a 4.45 to a 4.33… again pitiful that I was disappointed. A 4.33 is an A+ average grade. So my perfectionism went so far as to be disappointed by being perfect rather than better than perfect! Obviously something in my life needs to change. My verse for this year has been “I am the true vine you are the branches, apart from me you can do nothing”. Although that was my verse, I obviously have never taken it to heart. Everything I have is given to me through Christ and who am I to be disappointed with the blessings I have?
My other side of extremism is most evident in little areas of my life such as not working out, not eating healthy, and not practicing music. But I have let this attitude slip into my spiritual life. I have found out recently that I am like Jonah. No I haven’t been eaten by giant fish. No I have led whole cities to Christ. No I haven’t waited for God to destroy a city that just began calling on the name of the lord. But I have turned away from God’s calling many many many times. In 8th grade we just got finished with a discussion in English class in which I used many Christian ideas in my debate and a girl asked me why I believed what I believed… I responded that it’s complicated. That summer I had the opportunity to go to Indianapolis for a mission trip. Having done really bad at leading games the previous year in New York, I declined. This summer I went to Jamaica on a missions trip… after having refused to go twice when my youth pastor asked me. This week I was asked to teach about preaching the Gospel, I planned on telling my youth pastor I wouldn’t do it, but God said I should. So throughout my life it is evident that I have given up on being effective for God… but I pray that I will do that no longer. Now I hope to gear my whole life on saying “yes” to God. Yes to a mission trip. Yes to witnessing to kid at school. Yes to teaching those that are already saved. It’s time to start giving up and start giving it all to God.
I guess the general truth I have learned from this is that there is nothing wrong with doing my best, in fact I should be doing my best in all things, but there is something wrong with being angry about the results the Lord has given me. Especially when they are still good. As my first real blog this was probably pretty boring but I hope to get better (although it’ll never be perfect haha) and hopefully what I have said may help you if you are struggling with the same thing.
No comments:
Post a Comment