My Girl

I promised Brianna I would write a blogpost about her. But whether I promised or not she deserves one.Before we started dating she was one of my most helpful friends. I could be completely honest with her, go through all of my stupid thought processes, and basically tell her anything without worrying about her judging me. As a matter of fact, the more honest I was the more she wanted to help. She was also honest with me showing a trust that I hadn't seen in too many people. We quickly became very good friends and even "soulmates" haha. That's a story in itself. But anyways I started liking her around January I think but I was still too afraid to date so I kept it hidden until about two weeks before prom. Which prom was a big step for me. I said I would never go to a dance because I didn't know how to dance and I didn't like parties. But I wanted Brianna to go to prom and I thought she was worth being a little uncomfortable for. So I went and I had a really good time. She is a lot of fun and I found out that I actually like slow dancing. Prom also made me really want to be more than just friends with her. But I was still scared so I stalled.

Until May 31 when I asked her out in the most nervous and uncute way possible haha. Tip for guys: don't ask a girl out sitting down, it's hard to initiate a hug like that lol. Anyways, that was a great day. She is so nice, caring, considerate, beautiful, honest, real, and God loving girl I know. She thinks she is lucky to have me for some reason but I know it's the other way around. She does so much for me. She makes me feel special, feel loved, feel happy, and feel important. Brianna has helped me get over my fear of dancing, dating, hugging, and has helped me with my fear of the future. She has changed me in a lot of ways.

Let me tell you something really cool she told me one time. I have a lot of issues in my walk with God. I don't know how to listen to God, I am always trying to figure out what He wants me to do, I pray without hope or expectation, I think too much and feel too little, I try to figure out God, the lost goes on. We were talking one time and I was talking about how I don't know what God wants from me. How I don't kow what it means to surrender yourself. I was spending a lot of time thinking about it and trying to figure it out. What do I need to do to make God happy? What do I do to surrender myself? And then she said the most beautiful, simple, and brilliant thing I have heard in a long time:

Samuel, Christ wants your love.

God was trying to slow me down, trying to get me to stop thinking so much and stop me from trying to earn his love and affection. He was just waiting for me to love Him. Once I love Him then I will be surrendering myself to Him. Once I love Him I will know what He wants. Once I love Him I will hear Him. It is when you know people the most that you start understanding them. It is not much different with God. For those 5 words and for so much more I thank God in my prayers for Brianna. She is so great.

So anyways back to Brianna. She is incredibly smart. Like ridiculously smart. And her smile is one of my favorite things in the world. It's genuine and happy and beautiful. It's great. She is great. I'm so happy to be with her :)

Life in Recent

Its been a while since I have posted anything and that mainly has to do with the fact that I haven't been all too happy recently.

As I have said many times before I don't know what God wants to do with my future and it freaks me out. But that wasn't the main reason I was depressed.

You see, I had this view that if everything is going to be better in Heaven, then why would I want to live? Not that I was suicidal, but I just didn't see a reason to value life even though in general I enjoy it. And I figured I would stop enjoying it once I grew up so I was seriously considering the army because if I lived it gave me time to figure out life and if I died I would finally be able to go to Heaven.

In all honesty, that is not terrible logic although its not good. See, it is good to look forward to Heaven. It is good to know that Heaven will be better than here on Earth. But it is not good to lose your sense of value for the life gave us on Earth completely. We should definitely be living with the future in Heaven and storing up our treasures there rather than pursuing Earthly treasures. But we should still value life.

One reason I was having a hard time doing this was that I knew the purpose in life was to lead people to Christ and encourage those that are already with Christ. but I felt like I wasn't specifically needed for that. I have never led someone to Christ and so I felt like there are obviously better people here that God can use to do so, so I might as well go to Heaven soon. But here is an awesome truth...

The fact that God still has you on the Earth means that God has a purpose SPECIFICALLY FOR YOU!


I may not be Paul or Peter and I am definitely not Jesus, but God can use me even if I'm not the most bold person or the best evangelist.  If God wasn't planning to use me then He would take me up to Heaven with Him because, and I do truly believe this, God wants us to be in Heaven with us just as much if not more than we want to be in Heaven with Him! But He has a purpose for us. And as long as I am living I know I have purpose. And when I die I hope people can think of it as a completion of my purpose rather than sad departure. I mean for goodness sake, I'm leaving a broken, sin-filled, cursed world. That is great!

I hope this made sense because I don't feel like checking if it did. Basically, there is value to life because the fact that I have life means God has a purpose for me. And for you. Also, I hope that you don't take this as me being suicidal. I'm not. But I certainly do look forward to the day I step into Heaven! Its all summed up by this verse from Philippians: "For me to live is Christ and to die is gain"

Relationships and Marriage

Adam posted about this and I felt like posting something so I figured I'd copy the subject.

I think people have a skewed idea of how I view relationships. I don't hate relationships. Other people should be in relationships. God MADE us to be relational beings. Its our nature. Relationships are good. They just don't appeal to me. I mean part of it does. Someone to talk to, someone to hold, and someone to have fun with. That stuff sounds great. But I also think it sounds pretty selfish. Other parts don't sound good. Commitment, trying to impress her parents, constant communication (I like my alone time and by alone time I mean a couple hours a day and a few weekends haha), and in all honesty the toll it would take on my wallet. Then there are reasons I don't feel like I should date. I'm afraid of commitment, I'm not very encouraging, I've got tons of spiritual questions I'm trying to work out, and I'm selfish.

Marriage is also something that RIGHT NOW doesn't appeal to me. And by right now I don't mean that I don't want to get married right now, of course I don't. I mean it doesn't sound good in the future. But in reality that'll probably change. Paul says in 1 Corinthians 7 Paul talks about how if we can abstain from getting married that that would be awesome. He says though that if you lust you should get married. He then goes on to say that it is a gift of God that he doesn't need to get married essentially saying it is a gift not to lust. I'll be honest, I lust. So do most people. Because of this I think I'll have to get married but do I really want to get married because I feel like I have to? I don't know! I guess it comes down to this, if God inspires me to love then I will get married. If not, oh well.

So ya. Those are my thoughts on relationships and marriage. Over the years they will probably change and who knows what will happen!

Here's a Question

So I have a question that I was wondering if you guys could answer. (I know there is probably like three of you but I'm putting this up here on the off chance I actually have a multitude of readers.) Anyways...

God forgives us when we ask Him. It says that in the Bible. While I don't understand why He loves me I know that He does so it makes sense to me that He would forgive me. But how do I forgive myself? I am hard on myself and hold onto things so I need some help with this. I would love to hear your thoughts!