4 Amazing Girls

I promised Bebe, Brianna, Courtney, and Shelby that I would write a blog about them and in all honesty they deserve one. Because being my friend isn't the easiest thing in the world. They put up with my pessimistic comments and my flirting. In all honesty I'm not quite sure why they are still my friends but they are so thanks! So that was kinda general so I'll write in specifics. (in alphabetical order)

Bebe:

This girl is one of the most fun girls I have known. She is incredibly nice to everyone and is always encouraging. She asks me whats wrong when she knows when something is up even though she probably doesn't even really care to know. And then she listens. And I know that she listens well to her other friends as well. She is passionate about Christ and asks how others are doing in their relationship with Him. Also, she is really big into Best Buddies which I respect her a lot for. That is an area that I am not to great in but she is really good at it because of her nice nature. I'm sure God will be using this later in her life.

Brianna:
Brianna is definitely one of the smartest girls I know. The questions she asks and the comments she makes challenges me both intellectually and spiritually. I really haven't seen too many people who think as deep as she does and are willing to openly discuss the questions she has about things. I really enjoy talking about that kind of stuff. Also, Brianna is incredibly funny. She is always making everyone around her laugh and in general makes hanging out a lot more fun. She is pretty sarcastic, which if you know me at all then you know that that is something I find to be really funny. Also, it is really fun to do Junior High Bible Study with her. She is good at teaching and is a good example for the junior highers.

Courtney:
Courtney is really loving. It goes along with her natural tendency to be a mother. I don't know if she likes being called that or not but I think its a good thing. Probably because I'm a momma's boy but whatevs. Back to Courtney though. She is incredibly nice and is genuinely concerned for her friends when something is wrong. There have been many times when she simply says, "Sam, need help". Sounds mean but really she means it in a nice way. Or at least thats the way I take it. Courtney is also a really good leader. She does great with FCA. I've been there when they discuss things and she is really smart, focused, and has a passion for people and Christ.

Shelby:
I haven't known Shelby as long as the other three but she is great. Personally I think she is kind of motherly like Courtney but I don't think anybody agrees with me. She is very smart and practical. She is really funny and is often sarcastic, which again is one of my favorite things. Shelby is also very good at listening. She truly wants to know whats going on with her friends and how she can help. She is very nice and is also very talkative, in a good way though. She isn't annoying about it. Also, she has an unnatural affinity ketchup. Its kinda funny.

So those are 4 of the best girls ever. They are constantly challenging me spiritually, constantly making me laugh, and also constantly putting up with my crap. I really couldn't ask for much more.

More

More. We never have enough. We never have enough from people, ourselves, and we certainly don't have enough from God. From the beginning of humanity we have never thought we had enough. We have always wanted more.

Adam was created by God and God was generous enough to give him a partner. He gave him a good land with a beautiful animals, good food, and easy work. One rule was given to us, do not eat from the tree in the center or we will die. We had it all, but we wanted more. So Eve took a bite into that apple creating a vicious cycle of humanities unquenchable thirst for more.

God punished us for taking the fruit and then immediately helped us by clothing us and sending us to a knew land. He provided children and gave us techniques to know how to work the land which was hard because of our own selfishness. Was this enough for humanity? No. We wanted more. So people went around having sex, making idols, and sinning their lives away to the point that God was sorry He made us. In His wrath He was about to send a flood but in His grace he decided to save the family of Noah to rebuild humanity. So he sent the flood, gave the punishment of death we deserved and started over with a righteous man.

Were we satisfied with God's grace in letting us live? Were we satisfied with His promise to never flood the Earth again? No. Instead we decided to build a temple that reached to Heaven, in essence so we could go there without having to accept what God had commanded. So God took us and scattered us to many places and gave us different languages. Each had his own piece of land.

Were we satisfied with our own piece of land? No. We decided we wanted more than what God gave us so we started making war with each other for our own selfish purposes. And we started making our own governments and our own God's. Israel was one of the worst offenders. God's chosen people chose to go their own way and live a life of rebellion. God punished them but soon after He would send the Son of God down.

Were we satisfied with the Son of God? No. We rejected Him and His teaching. We plotted to kill Him and screamed insults at Him as he healed our people. Trying to trap Him, we asked Him hard questions and put Him to the test. He refuted all of this and continued to live His life the way God intended it. But instead of following Him we killed Him. Floggings, beatings, spitting, and mocking he carried the cross to the hill. We killed Him and He used it to save us from our own sin which got us into the whole "more" cycle anyways.

Are we satisfied with Him saving us from our sins? Are we satisfied with the ultimate price He paid? Sadly no we aren't. Although we accept His forgiveness sometimes we do not accept Him. We take what we want and when we pray for more and it is not immediately given to us we get angry. It is not what we pray for that is necessarily selfish, it is that we don't trust His timing to answer or we don't respect Him when His answer is no. Time after time I myself struggle with this and time after time I learn this very lesson but it never sticks. I still want more.

Our thirst for more will never be fully quenched until we are in Heaven. At that point we will be able to live with God and His Son which will be enough. This is what we are to strive for today. If we are going to want more let it be more time with Christ. Let it be more reading of His scripture. Let it be more of Him. Although humanity is too deep into the "more" cycle to break it, why not try? God didn't intend for us to be unsatisfied. God intended for us to be complete in Him. Yet we kept wanting more. And He kept showing us grace and giving us more of what we didn't deserve. Every time He gave us something we wanted something else. What is He giving us now that we are rejecting?

Peace, Joy, and My Story

Peace and joy. Not exactly the first two things that come to mind when you think of me right? No it probably isn't and that is because I'm not to great at either of those things. This is a problem.

I tell myself I'm going to be more positive a lot and then do nothing about it. I end up complaining my friends' ears off when the first remotely bad thing happens or put down somebody when they something a little unrealistically optimistic, which is why I am incredibly surprised I still have friends. Praise God I have such faithful friends. If I were the kids at my lunch table, or in the bookstore, or even at church I probably would not have gotten involved with me. Praise the Lord my friends did though. Its really encouraging and a good step towards being optimistic.

So of course your probably wondering what makes me so unhappy and not peaceful. And the truth is... a lot of things. In all honesty, part of it is I'm still not completely at peace with how my last relationship went. For those of you that don't know, that ended the summer after my 8th grade year. Pitiful right? I'm a junior and that thoughtless relationship is still affecting me today. Its a big reason why I don't trust myself, why I have such a negative view of relationships, and why I'm afraid of commitment. Now your probably wondering, what made it so bad that I'm still affected by it. Well, that is a LOOOONG story. I'll try to condense it and be mindful that this is the first time that I'm really putting this out in public. I won't be saying the girls name because I wouldn't want to offend her. But this is part of my testimony and I'm tired of hiding it.

So it started in seventh grade as an awkward junior high relationship. At this time I was learning a lot about God and was getting excited about both relationships. In 8th grade I got too into the relationship with the girl and this caused me to fade in my relationship with God. This girl and I did some stuff I'm not proud of and that left me quite ashamed of myself. By the end of 8th grade I had barely any relationship with God and a very confused relationship with the girl. I liked her and didn't like her at the same time. This meant I liked her for the wrong reasons but for some reason the fact that I still liked her made me want to continue to be with her. Then in the summer of 8th grade I went to a pool party. The girl was there for the first half but she left early and so I went to talk to another friend... yes most of you have guessed it already... it was Grace. At this point I started like Grace and not the other girl. So that summer I ended the relationship with the girl but it was by no means a good breakup. I told her not to talk to me for a while but she wanted to discuss the issues which is very reasonable. We were very mean to each other and this escalated at a fall retreat. Lots of stuff happened there and to sum it up it ended in us not liking each other very much. And then this is when it got to the bad part. One day this girl told me that she was going to kill herself the next day. Seeing as she had manic depression and I was used to her making threats of the sort I didn't take it all that serious but I did try to convince her out of it. That is very hard to do when you don't really have a good relationship with God and the other person is mad at you. The next day I found pills in her backpack at school... I got scared. I didn't know what to do so I asked my bro and he told me to call my youth pastor so I did. He said he would take care of it. Then the girl started text me. Again I pleaded with her not to do it but she said she was going to and she said it was because of me.

After that day ended I didn't hear anything about her or from her for like three days or possibly even a week. I was scared out of my mind. Then one day I found out what happened. She had taken the pills and was rushed to a hospital where they kept her from dying. Thank the Lord she didn't die otherwise I would have lost it but still the near suicide was enough to send me into depression. Sometime after I realized everything. I realized how sinful our relationship was, I realized how much of a jerk I was to her, I realized that I had ruined my relationship with God, and then I also blamed myself completely for her attempt. Needless to say... I hated myself. I felt like the scum of the earth and I believed that I was too. I knew I needed God but I had no motivation to find Him again because I felt like I was just too much of a sinner. I was like this for a year. Depressed. Angry. Sad. Lonely.

That summer however I went to Jamaica on a missions trip. I didn't want to go originally but God made it very clear to me that I needed to go. So I decided to go. I got to the meetings and Doug asked who would like to present the Gospel. People were quiet so I raised my hand. Now I was going and presenting the Gospel and I felt like I had no relationship with God. Possibly at that same meeting I was given a very important role in a drama we were doing. I was so unmotivated but God decided that He wanted me to do stuff. And I am so happy he did. The first time I presented the Gospel in Jamaica I put all faith in myself and it went pretty horribly. That day I read some awesome verses though. It was 1 Timothy 4:11-16:

¹¹ Command and teach these things. ¹² Don’t let anyone look down on you because you are young, but set an example for the believers in speech, in conduct, in love, in faith and in purity. ¹³ Until I come, devote yourself to the public reading of Scripture, to preaching and to teaching. ¹⁴ Do not neglect your gift, which was given you through prophecy when the body of elders laid their hands on you.

 ¹⁵ Be diligent in these matters; give yourself wholly to them, so that everyone may see your progress. ¹⁶ Watch your life and doctrine closely. Persevere in them, because if you do, you will save both yourself and your hearers.

This promise is awesome. If we stick close to God's doctrine and His laws, God will protect our hearers. God will give us the words to say to those who listen. So that is when it clicked. If I was going to preach the Gospel well, I needed to straighten things out with God. So I tried hard to do that and it showed as I started to get a lot more comfortable teaching. I learned that God forgave me for all the things I did. That everything was in His control. And that the past was past. I learned this from Philippians 3 which Leah challenged me to memorize. I need to thank her for that.

I knew God had forgiven me but the thing I struggled with and even still struggle with today is... how do I forgive myself? God has infinite love, I am weak in heart and weighed down by my inequities. And the thing is that I just need to do it. I need to forgive myself. Yes I made mistakes and yes I dealt with the consequences in the wrong way but that is the past. I learned from it. I'm not the same. I'm renewed.

I still need to work on forgiving myself though and I still need to work on being positive and trusting myself. I haven't been filled with much joy and peace recently and that is because of a lot of things. School stress, church stress, and the fact that my dog died this week. But do you know what? God is here. GOD is HERE. He is with me! He is in me! He is around me! God is great and to be sad with what He is given me would be wrong. So Lord please give me the strength to be more happy. Give me peace about everything going on. Help me to get over a stupid relationship in the past. Let me be an encouragement to my friends rather than a burden. Help me be the person I am meant to be!

Sorry this was forever long and it was a lot of me venting. But I hope you learn something from this. There is no sin God can't forgive. There is no place you can be that is beyond His reach. There is never a time when God isn't with you. And there is never a time where you shouldn't be happy with what you have. Praise the LORD!

Sickness, Lessons, and Whatever Else Happens When I Start Writing

I haven't posted since September 5th which is entirely way too long. there has been a lot of reasons for that... the main one being the fact that I'm lazy. But also since September 5th a lot has happened.

When I got back from the Youth Group fall retreat I got the flu. Not the throw up flu fortunately but what I had certainly wasn't fun either. I dealt with that for about 3 or 4 days I think and then I spent another 4 or so days getting better from it. And during that time that I was getting better from the flu I developed a cold... which turned into a sinus infection. Which is what I have been dealing with for over a week now almost two. So I have been sick for about three weeks... not fun. I think part of the reason I am not getting better is stress. Not that I have a lot to do (everybody always thinks its ridiculous when I say I get stressed) but because I am not good at dealing with stress.

One thing that has been stressing me out is leading worship at my youth group. In all honesty I'm really not very good at guitar and the amount of songs I know is very very limited. Messing up is something I hate and something I fear. This is stressing me out. But why? If I had the right view about this I wouldn't be stressed out. Worship is about leading people in praising God. Not sounding good. Worship has a greater purpose than impressing people, worship is about God, for God, and with God. I don't see myself in that equation but yet I am always trying to add myself in there.

School has also been really stressing me out. In all honesty I put WAY too much pressure on myself to do good in school. My oldest brother is going to law school and my other brother is going to Butler for six years for their pharmacy program... needless to say we are going to be spending a lot of money on education. And for some reason I have put all the pressure to get scholarships on myself. And doing well in school is hard with Hon Physics and Hon Pre-Calculus. Ok let me rephrase that. Meeting my ridiculous standards for myself is hard with those classes. In all honesty when I got an A- in English class freshman year I was ticked. Like really ticked. I was mad all summer. How pathetic is that? And even know I want to do anything in my power to keep myself from getting a grade that starts with anything other than an A. But again, the only reason I am stressed is because I don't have the right viewpoint. God should be the reason I try in school. God is the reason why I get the grades I get so I should be satisfied with whatever he gives me... even if it is a B. God is going to find a way to pay for college or wherever He wants me to go whether that's a Christian college, regular college, an institute, or even an army college (which getting this stick figure body into a soldier would also take a miracle from Him haha). And whatever He wants me to study, He'll let me know eventually.

So basically I worry too much if you haven't noticed haha. Everything in life is telling me to settle down. Lecrae concert: we shouted at the top of our lungs "I don't worry about a 'thang'". Junior High Bible Study: we read about how God provides for us, our job is just to be focused on Him and also we read the verse about not worrying about tomorrow because today has enough worries of its own. Reading through the Psalms: I see how much God did for David and Israel and all they had to do is pray. Its really just amazing how God knows what you need to hear and somehow He'll make you hear it. You just have to be listening.

So thanks for reading! I hope it wasn't too boring. By the way, if you want to talk about anything or need prayer just send me an e-mail at sam.hrtng@gmail.com, text me if you have my number, or Facebook me. Also do the same if you have ideas about what I should post about. God bless!

A Lot Has Been On My Mind Lately

This weekend I went on a retreat with my youth group and I had a lot of fun... but that was about it. I didn't really feel like I learned anything spiritually. Now don't get me wrong, Doug and Jeremy gave a GREAT message and there was a lot to be learned from it, so why didn't it impact me?

Well I have been thinking about that all day today and I came up with a very simple but hard answer: I am completely focused on myself. And not only am I completely focused on myself, I WANT to be completely focused on myself. My pride is swelling up big again. Recently I have just been tired with focusing my life on God and subconsciously all I've been wanting to do is just stop it. I have been playing guitar for Chi Alpha which made me really nervous and the whole time I was just completely focused on sounding good. Not leading people in worship. I've been struggling with what I want to do for college and my life and sometimes it seems like that would be an easier question to solve if I took God out of the equation.

But it all comes down to this: I CAN'T TAKE GOD OUT OF THE EQUATION!!! NOR SHOULD I WANT TO!!!

So far many of you may be stunned by this post. Maybe not. But I truly think that all of us feel this way sometimes. Sometimes it just seems like life would be more fun and easier if we didn't have to focus it all on God. And you know what? It might be easier and more fun for a while. But in the grand scheme of things its not worth it. And God's love is SOOOO much better than doing my own things. His love is what I should want. His relationship is what I should want. Being His servant is what I should want. Reading His Word is what I should want. And right now I am trying to do that. I am asking God for the desire to be in His Word and in prayer. The desire to focus my time and life on Him rather than myself.

Thanks for letting me vent. This post was probably more real than any I have posted before. Hopefully you didn't take out of it that I don't want to be a Christian, that is not at all what I meant. This post was just the truth about what I believe to be a lot of Christians' struggles. Sometimes following God is hard, even if life is great because for some reason our sinful human nature starts telling us that it could be even better if we just drop the whole God thing. But that is just a lie that Satan tells us. Following God is awesome although it may not seem like it all the time.

To end this I would like to share with you verses that I think is totally awesome. It helps take away any thoughts that life would be better without God.

" ⁷ But whatever were gains to me I now consider loss for the sake of Christ. ⁸ What is more, I consider everything a loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them garbage, that I may gain Christ ⁹ and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which is through faith in^[a] Christ—the righteousness that comes from God on the basis of faith. ¹⁰ I want to know Christ—yes, to know the power of his resurrection and participation in his sufferings, becoming like him in his death, ¹¹ and so, somehow, attaining to the resurrection from the dead." Philippians 3:7-11

Heaven On Earth

Many times in my life I have wished that I was in Heaven rather than Earth. Don't take that the wrong way, I am in no way suicidal, but sometimes when stress starts to way on me I just think about how much better Heaven has to be than this world. But this Sunday I realized something...

Doug asked us a question that I thought was really cool, "If Heaven were perfect in every way but God wasn't there, do you think you would be happy?" (or something along those lines). As I thought about that question I realized that the thing that really makes Heaven perfect is God's presence and God calls us to have a relationship with Him here on Earth so... why should I wish for Heaven so much if the best part of it can be experienced here on Earth. Obviously the experience of God in Heaven is going to be much better considering we will actually physically see Him which in itself is perfectly awesome. And also obviously just because God is with us here doesn't mean that the stress of life or troubles of the world will just go away, but the point is that I should stop dwelling on the thought that I want to be in Heaven and start dwelling on two other thoughts: how can I build up a relationship with God so I can experience Heaven on Earth and how am I going to follow God in the years until I finally go to Heaven?

Weird Moods

So I know I said I wouldn't post anything that was pointless but... who cares?

Right now I am in a weird mood. Weird moods are absolutely great. They make me feel spunky and funny. I will practically laugh at anything. The unfortunate thing is that most weird moods come when there is no one around me! This is saddening. I would love to go to Steak n' Shake Half Price Happy Hour, but I can't drive and all my friends are either sleepyheads, 8 hours away, or can't drive themselves either. This is very unfortunate. Nothing is more sad than an unsatisfied weird mood moment. But oh well. Maybe some other day.

Changes=Stress

Well within the next two weeks there are going to be a lot of different things going on.

1.) Dave is going to college:
Dave and I have an awesome friendship and I am going to miss him so much when he is at college. But I am proud of him and excited for him about the new life he is about to start. He is going to pharmacy school at Butler for those of you that don't know. I'm excited to see what God is going to be doing with him there and after that, but in all honesty, I am also going to miss bro time. And this makes me sad.

2.) School starts next week:
I have like three different opinions about this. One I am happy to be seeing friends again. Two I am excited and nervous to see how God is going to use me, my prayer group, and FCA at school this year. And three, I don't want to do schoolwork... like at all.

3.) The 7th graders have come to Chi Alpha:
This is exciting! But stressful because I really want them to feel welcome. Also, since I help with Junior High Bible Study, there is also some stress there but I am also looking forward to it!

4.) Jobs
I need to start looking for jobs... and honestly I just don't want to work.

So ya. Those are all the exciting, sad, nerve racking, and boring changes that are happening in my life right now. This blog probably wasn't interesting but I just felt like doing one because I haven't in a while.

Spiritual Struggles

So right now i'm pretty much just going to be venting sooo... if you want to leave now I understand haha.

Right now I've been struggling with God's Word a bit. I have been consistently reading it but I rarely retain anything I get out of it. This is due to, or at least largely due to, the fact that all I seem to see in the Bible are things that I am doing wrong. I can read one chapter of the Bible and learn 10 different sins that I struggle with and that overwhelms me. I'm kinda just left with the thought, "ok so God told me all the things wrong with me, but not how to fix them" and then I kind of give up. But I don't want to give up anymore. I've come to learn that these sin issues are affecting the way I act around people. Being one of the older guys in Chi Alpha, I need to be an example and I'm certainly not doing that right now, and I certainly need to get my act together before the new seventh graders come in this Sunday.

So if you didn't understand that very scatterbrained paragraph above, essentially two problems have arisen: I struggle with enjoying reading the Bible and I need to set a better example.

As far as the first problem goes I only have one solution for so far: look for things other than whats wrong with me in the Bible. It is good to learn about your problems don't get me wrong, but in the mean while I am missing out on a bunch of other stuff God is trying to teach me.

And as far as the example part goes... I'm honestly not sure. I know I need to keep reading the Bible, keep asking God for guidance, and keep a careful watch on myself throughout the day, but it seems like there needs to be something else. I want to change the problem not just from the outside but the inside. Every sin is a heart issue not an action issue. Your actions reflect your heart. But how do I change my heart? I know I need to give my heart and these issues over to God, but what does that truly mean? I dunno. I'm just a bit lost right now honestly.

Anyways, if you understood any of that at all, I thank you for listening. Please pray for me and let me know if there is anything I can pray for you about!

Grace: My Big Sister

Yes I know, its a bit weird to call her my big sister considering certain circumstances but I think that's what our friendship closest resembles.

Anyways, one of the ways she resembles a sister is that she has always been there for me whether is was girl troubles, friendship issues, school complaints, or spiritual struggles. She has always listened and given me good advice or conversed with me about the spiritual things that confused me. Grace has never denied to help me. And for that I am very grateful.

One thing I've learned from Grace is that I should let God's will for me more important than I want to do. The summer before her senior year her dad got a job at CMDA requiring them to move to Tennessee. Not exactly what anyone would want for their senior year. But Grace knew that that is what God had for them and so she tried to make the best of it by going to camps, missions trips, and joining school clubs and whatnot. I wouldn't have done anything of the sorts if I were her. I would have pretty much just sat and waited for college quite honestly. But Grace didn't and I learned a lot from her. Especially about the future. I like things going the way I want them to. If I had a choice I would live a normal life my whole life and retire early. But the way Grace responded to God's call to their family showed me that I should be willing to change my plans. I should be willing to go wherever God calls me to go.

Much like Adam's blog I could go on and say a lot more things about Grace, for example, the fact that for some reason she is still me and Adam's friend although we tease her relentlessly. But that would take up a lot of time and space and you guys would get bored I assume. So I'm going to end this simply by saying, thanks. Thanks Grace for all you've helped me through and all you've taught me!

The Voice of God

I've been thinking about the voice of God a lot. What it must be like and stuff like that. And I've come to the conclusion that I can't wait to hear it in Heaven!

When God talked to Moses on the mountain it was described as sounding like thunder. Thunder. One of the most powerful things in nature in my opinion. A sheer noise that shakes your house. A noise that rolls out of the sky. A noise that causes many people to be afraid. But one day I looked out during the storm looking for funnel clouds with my mom and I couldn't help but smile because I remembered how the voice of God was described. Its going to be much more awesome than thunder and much more scary too. Full of power. I can't wait.

At the mountain a man came up to Moses and said, "Speak to us yourself and we will listen. But do not have God speak to us or we will die"....awesome. It wasn't a doubt in their mind. They knew they would die. I can't imagine the power of his voice if they were sure they were going to die. I WANT TO HEAR THIS VOICE!!!

But for the meantime, being our life on this Earth, God talks to us in different ways, although I guess He could literally talk to me if He wanted to. I've been searching for these ways. I've been wanting direct guidance from God for a long time and at Wayumi I took a walk and prayed asking Him to communicate with me somehow. I asked Him to talk to me and tell me what He wanted me to do. That night I spoke with Lisa (I think I talked about this in another blog actually but oh well) and she really encouraged me. I learned that God can talk through people. And what I learned from her is that I need to wait. Be patient. The Lord will reveal to me what He has for me in His own time. Honestly, I didn't like that. I still don't. But I need to. I need to be content with His timing no matter how anxious I get waiting. I'm getting a bit off topic but basically God can talk through friends.

God can also talk to you through conviction. Through the Holy Spirit telling you what your doing is wrong. That a change needs to be made.

And lastly, (by lastly I mean this is my last discovered way of Him talking not the last way He talks to us. There are many other ways He talks to us I'm sure) He talks to us through His Word. I've had a hard time letting the Word grip my heart recently... but I'm trying to let it do so again because I know God wants to talk to me through that.

Adam Pittman: A True Friend

In the top of my page I said I would dedicate my blogs to people every once in a while so I'm going to start with my good friend Adam.

When I met Adam I honestly thought he was annoying. I think I've told him that before, if not, sorry but its true. haha! But as I got to know him more I found that he wasn't annoying but that he was really cool. And then after the death of his father we became best friends. The way he responded to his father's death has always impressed me. At the time I gained no lesson from it but now that I look back I see how awesome it truly was. Rather than be angry and succumb to depression, Adam let this obstacle in life be a tool to make him grow in his relationship with God. I only realized this after I had a bit of an obstacle in my own life. And now I truly look up to him as an example.

Another great thing about him is loyalty. In the latter half of 7th grade and all of 8th grade, I was as annoying as a junior high kid could be. I was a jerk to Adam a lot of the times and was caught up in my own life. He warned me about the paths I was on but I didn't pay attention. Honestly I'm not sure why he didn't stop being my friend right there. As it turned out he was right and I ended up in a place I didn't want to be. But rather than make things worse for me by defriending me, he helped me rebuild my relationship with God. He remained my friend. And for that I am truly grateful.

There are many other things that I could say about Adam and our friendship but it would be far too much to keep your interest and its also getting late. So that will suffice for now. Thanks Adam!

P.S. Brianna don't you dare say anything about bromance lol

An Important Realization

In the past couple weeks I have come to a slightly depressing and slightly happying (is that a word?) realization... I will at some point need to get married. As many of you know and by many I mean all sense only four of you follow my blog and probably only two of you read it, I am very cynical about relationships due to an... interestingly bad first relationship. And although that hasn't completely changed, it has a little bit.

After being bitter about that relationship I lived off of the words spoken by Paul in the Bible about marriage. He said that if you can keep from lust don't marry because relationships can hinder your relationship with God (which is just one bad thing (and the most bad thing) about my first relationship). Although this may be the way of some people, I have found that most likely this is not going to the way for me. Recently I have spent a lot of time alone in the house and I have found that I can't perform necessary tasks such as feeding myself very well. I also don't know how to wash clothes or use a dishwasher. Because of this, I will need a woman.

Another thing that held me back from wanting to get married is the fact that I might get bored with her. Yes, I know. That sounds terrible. That's because it is and that's why I was scared of it happening. I don't want to get married to someone and then lose my love for them. I was scared that I would make the wrong choice. But now I realize that if I trust God about this (I'm talking about the future here, just in case you thought I meant now. Although you should trust God about everything now too.) then God will lead me to someone that I won't lose my love for. Someone who will aid in my walk with God, and someone who will make me food since I am foodly challenged... Not that I won't help.

Now who knows, I may never get married. So I guess more or less I learned that I have to be open to it. I might become a missionary and never even really think about marriage. Or I may get married and still become a missionary. Or I may remain single and get a normal job. Or... I think you get the point. But basically I need to get off my bitter bus. One failed relationship doesn't mean I can't start another one. And just because commitment scares the living bajeebers out of me doesn't I mean I can't commit.

Lastly, I need to stop feeling like I am not worthy of any woman. In my first relationship I did some things I'm not proud of and I'm glad that I got out of the relationship when I did before it became something worse. But just because I did some stupid stuff doesn't mean I can't marry someone. The past is past. But now and in the future I hope to trust God in all things, and specifically in the area of marriage.

P.S. I did not mean to say that when the Bible says that if you can keep from lust don't marry because relationships can hinder your relationship with God, it was wrong, I just mean that I was so set on not getting married because of this I wan't open to the thought of getting married which God may actually want me to do.

Wayumi: The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly

This week I went to a camp called Wayumi in Jersey Shore, PA. This place is focused on informing people about tribal missions and of course increasing their relationship with God. Although it was hard to focus on those two things sometimes, I learned a lot on this trip.

There were many obstacles put in the way of growing in my relationship with Christ. On Tuesday I was sick. I didn't throw up but... well you can probably guess. And then when I was getting better on Wednesday I got the pleasure of listening to a kid throw up four times while I was trying to sleep. So on Thursday I was back to feeling sick and that pretty much lasted until I got home. Other obstacles included that I could only sleep on a hammock (other than one night when they let me sleep on a mattress because I was feeling well), long car rides with kids throwing up, 53-59 degree temperatures when trying to sleep, spiders all over the place, and of course the trials of just being with 27 other people for a week. So this was all bad and it was especially bad because I am afraid of throwing up and I hate hearing people throw up, which I was able to hear a total of 7 times. By the end of the trip about 7 people had gotten sick in some way during the trip and now after the trip more people are getting sick. But looking back, it was all worth it.

At Wayumi I learned how hard my heart is to God's plan for my future. I have always  been scared of the future because of uncertainty but yet at the same time I won't let God reveal my future to me because I'm afraid it might be something I don't want. But since when has life been about me? Its not. God has done so much for me and will do so much for me on Earth and Heaven. The least I can do is sacrifice my small Earthly life.God may want me to have a normal job and be a missionary there. Or God may want me to be a missionary in Germany. Or in some tribal area. Or maybe I'll travel somewhere and get martyred right off the bat. Am I willing? Am I willing to give up everything including my life for God? I'm going to be spending a lot of time working on my heart with God so I can truthfully say "yes".

Another awesome thing that happened was that the whole week our lessons in the evening were on Jonah. My first blog I talked about how much I was like Jonah and then I go to a camp and the theme is "Don't be like Jonah". Now I already knew to not be like Jonah but obviously this is an area in my life that God is really trying to tell me something. And I believe He is saying just be open. I heard a really cool quote there that had to do with being open it went like this:

"Most people prepare for a normal life and say they are willing to go to the mission field. You should prepare for the missions field and say that you are willing to have a normal life"

I want my mind to be focused on preaching the Gospel. Especially after hearing the statistics about languages. There are over 2000 languages that don't have a single verse of the Bible translated into it. That is a lot of people. Thankfully there are 2000 languages that are being worked on right now. So if there are 2000 being worked on by the generation above me that means that my generation could finish it! The Bible says that one day there will be people from EVERY ethnic group in Heaven. Do you know what that means? If you go to an unreached people group the chances of you leading someone to Christ are insanely high. You might not and someone else will come after you but at least you laid the ground work.

Anyways, I hope you understood some of that, I was kind of just throwing whatever thought came to mind down on this page. All in all, Wayumi was awesome because it taught me to be open and to not worry about the future. God already knows what He has for me. And He knows what He has for you too.

Perfectionism: A Two-Sided Extremist

In this past week I have come to the unfortunate conclusion that I am a two-sided extremist when it comes to perfectionism. Now whether the phrase “two-sided extremist” is indeed actually phrase, I am not sure. But I do know I am one. Essentially, I strive to be perfect at some things and have completely given up on others.

     

The reason I have realized this recently is grades at the end of the school year. Going into high school my goal was to never get anything lower than an A. English and Biology soon destroyed that goal by me getting A-‘s . I was extremely disappointed which is quite pitiful if you ask me. Many people would be begging to get A-‘s in school. Soon I got over the A- thing and went into my sophomore year expecting to never get a B of any sort. But Algebra II happened. I got a C on the final and a B+ for the semester. I was furious at myself. But why!? That’s so stupid of me. I can’t be perfect and many people again would be extremely elated to have a B+ in that class. I was disappointed that my GPA dropped too… from a 4.45 to a 4.33… again pitiful that I was disappointed. A  4.33 is an A+ average grade. So my perfectionism went so far as to be disappointed by being perfect rather than better than perfect! Obviously something in my life needs to change. My verse for this year has been “I am the true vine you are the branches, apart from me you can do nothing”. Although that was my verse, I obviously have never taken it to heart. Everything I have is given to me through Christ and who am I to be disappointed with the blessings I have?

               

My other side of extremism is most evident in little areas of my life such as not working out, not eating healthy, and not practicing music. But I have let this attitude slip into my spiritual life. I have found out recently that I am like Jonah. No I haven’t been eaten by giant fish. No I have led whole cities to Christ. No I haven’t waited for God to destroy a city that just began calling on the name of the lord. But I have turned away from God’s calling many many many times. In 8^th grade we just got finished with a discussion in English class in which I used many Christian ideas in my debate and a girl asked me why I believed what I believed… I responded that it’s complicated. That summer I had the opportunity to go to Indianapolis for a mission trip. Having done really bad at leading games the previous year in New York, I declined. This summer I went to Jamaica on a missions trip… after having refused to go twice when my youth pastor asked me. This week I was asked to teach about preaching the Gospel, I planned on telling my youth pastor I wouldn’t do it, but God said I should. So throughout my life it is evident that I have given up on being effective for God… but I pray that I will do that no longer. Now I hope to gear my whole life on saying “yes” to God. Yes to a mission trip. Yes to witnessing to kid at school. Yes to teaching those that are already saved. It’s time to start giving up and start giving it all to God.

               

I guess the general truth I have learned from this is that there is nothing wrong with doing my best, in fact I should be doing my best in all things, but there is something wrong with being angry about the results the Lord has given me. Especially when they are still good. As my first real blog this was probably pretty boring but I hope to get better (although it’ll never be perfect haha) and hopefully what I have said may help you if you are struggling with the same thing.

Just Getting Started

Well this is my first blog ever. In all honesty I have never even read a blog before but the idea appeals to me and on of my friends, Grace, is about to start one. I don't know exactly what kind of stuff is normally posted on blogs but I think I am mainly going to use it to express what I am thinking and highlighting important moments in my life. For example, my bro graduated today!!! Partly awesome and partly sad. We have a great friendship and it is going to be sad when he leaves for college. Anyways, I am justing getting started so just bear with me here. I'm not exactly sure who I am even talking to. I don't think anyone is really going to read this lol.